Legion66's Weblog

tourett’s lost generation

legion66 — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 23:43:28 +0000

my name is Benjamin.
i was born in 1980 and have Tourettes Syndrome.
i was born with this disease, it is very pervasive in its affects on ones life and life style.
it is also incurable and difficult to treat.
i find my self in a difficult position; i am on disability so i have a very low and very fixed income, i am soon to be on my own and i dont know how i am suposed to manage this, i cant aford to live alone and i cqant find anyone who will take me in.
i set to looking for answers to a great deal of questions i have about living life in my predicament and living with Tourette’s Syndrome as a 28 year old male in the united states.
i went to work on the internet and discovered some thing odd, there are many times many guides to live as a family with this disorder, and equal number referring how to survive school and childhood and growing up with it, but there are no resources for us, the young adults with this ailment.
as late as the mid 1970′s people with Tourettes Syndrome were committed into asylums as incurable cases and subjected to mid-evil treatments.
i was born mercilessly few years after these practices had secede to be common practice.
there was no information and the majority of “authorities” on this subject refuted its very existence.
some how my generation has been left along the wayside as we push to prevent another generation to have to live the life mine was.
but i ask you, what answers do we have, where do we turn. none of us seems to know more than i do, no one has readily available information to ease us into “normal” life. we are condemned to live out our lives bearing the burden of our personal and societies failures to ourselves.
i see that there are a number of successful people my age living with this scourge, but what about the rest of us; the ones who didnt have the luxury of sportive families and friends. the ones that had to teach ourselves how to survive, let alone live.
we are the forgotten generation, we have been left behind to fend for ourselves and most likely flounder and fail; ending up in halfway houses and homeless shelters, alone and sick.
where does our responsibility end and societies begin, it is my assertion that the world has failed us and now we must struggle along as best we can. we must settle for what we have available to us. but when we are all gone to dust, you young ones who have gained from our sacrifice…never forget it, remember that there where a great number of us that had to go it alone and died alone for it, all to bring you a better world to live in and to buy you a future with answers to the questions you have asked. we died so you didn’t have to, may you use this opportunity to live the lives we never got the chance to.

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legion66 — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 16:37:32 +0000

exauhsation taking hold early in the evening, more nails to be pounded, everyone i love asleeep. alone. how much better i understand that word. how long will it be, no one can say, but if my instincts are corect it will be for ever. old friend bring new ideas, and new comforts that are at the same time old, odd to leave a conversation unfinished for 8 years, odder still to find it waiting for you after all that time. i sit, again, alone and cold, but is it realy so bad? i have my thought to keep me company, and my ideas to keep me warm, but eventualy this wil leed to my own destruction, a rope is always handy in these times, as is a razer blade, but i dont realy want to die, i seem to think that bordome or insomnia will drive me to it though, maybe i will even have a valid resone to do it by then, as it stands i am just lonely and tired, not so much depresed as i am those.i think that i will try to have funn and die happy as aposed to dieing in a pool of my own blood by my own hand, we shall see how it goes….

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legion66 — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 16:34:02 +0000

dancing in the moonlight
clouds begin to gather
the gentle twilight begins to fade
soon it is all darkness
and we find our selfs alone
so very alone
dancing in the dark
the light is but a memory
and her warmth a forgoten dream
but i shall continue dancing
alone
in the dark forever

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legion66 — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 16:30:23 +0000

burning in the night
pain taking root
suffering becomes habit
no sleep
no rest
only the drive to become new
only pain as a companion
restless ramblings
from deep in my mind
poring out onto the page
dreaming of a brighter day
hoping for that last victory before you call it a day
lost
alone
over shadowed by her needs
found wandering the cyberways of a backwater bulletin board
taken in from the cold
given fresh insight into the new you
driven to new heights of joy
new lows of sorrow
death seems so near at times
so far away at others
hopeful
searching
time wears on
it slow decay keeping time with the beating of one human heart
dreams fade with the coming of the night
warm love
turns cold and bitter
with the anxieties of life
forlorn

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legion66 — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 16:27:50 +0000

again visions of women burning fill my mind, bitter rage rising like so much black poisonous ichor to choke the life out of me. forcing my hand to a bright new razor blade and brighter blood. fresh are the memories of long forgotten days, love in my hear and joy on my lips. oh youthful light where hath thee gone. i dreamed of a bee last nigt, gathering sweet nectar i must soon regurgitate to feed the hungry queens of tomorrow, a metaphor? vain optimism clouds reason and impairs judgment, how can this go on and me be so blind to my own foolishness? what daemonic curse do i suffer under, who’s dream am i stuck in? like a bad drug this goes on like some never ending series of insane comic strips, one leading to another of even more bizarre content. again i find my self relentlessly pounding nails into my coffin, the carcinogenic smoke coating my lungs and dragging me further down the road of self destruction, a slow and quiet suicide, oh what bliss, the anticipation of the sesation of life is almost to much to bear, i cry for it in my sleep, awaking with the taste of half forgotten lips still tainting my mouth.some day it will all be over, for good or ill it will be over, some way some how, i will find a way out…

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legion66 — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 16:25:24 +0000

…

2 o’clock in the morning, pounding nails in my cofin like some automate suicide machine, relentless in my resolve to die. so cold my teeth hurt, so alone i hear there voices as clear as day. they have al left me behind, to sick for some, to full of passion for others. reading books no man should ever read, seeing the reality of it all like i was living the great american dream myself. the butts of hand rolled cigerets pilling up against this rikety wall of my own delusions, soon to fall tumbling down the great well of despare that looms ever on the horison, a head long rush to oblivion. the question is asked so often now it has become a mantra, beging for my salvation, why? where id i go worng, what turn did i fail to take, have i been wandering like this for so long i have forgoten my own name? i lay the cards out, seaking in them a path to a higher understanding but only finding hard and unberable truths, finding what i seek only to have it called a lie. she has no time for me, i have to much for her, she has no use for me, i none for my self. the ashtray if overflowing and i havnt the will to consign it to the rubish bin, a metafor for my own life, so cloged with garbage that i cant see the sun. will it be tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next year, a fealing that i fall short and stop sudenly and the lights will go out, how to avert the inevitable? foolish optamisum is all that hold this batered shack together, a strong gust will send it tumbling down. i stub out another butt, another metafor, another reson to stop. i have lost count of ays and hours. i have forgoten there faces, and there meaning, but not my love or what i perseve as love. cant find my way to never nver land, no happy thoughts to let me fly. like a mole i hide beneith this hard packed ground. dreaming hopless dreams and wishing unrealistic succes for my self. doped on trquilizers and booze i seak peace, find only rage, my heart broken, i beg for that final curtan call.

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legion66 — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 16:11:23 +0000

the past stalks me like some savage monster, like a rabid lion with a taste for my blood. i am haunted by its voices, tormented by the phantom images playing out there scenes before my eyes. to forget i would give so much, my very soul. to wake up one morning and not yearn for there tender words and sweet embraces. forgive me oh great and merciless world, for i have signed, i have lived to greatly for my destiny. hear me oh great and powerful world, grant me my salvation, whether it is death or joy a care not which any longer. i once dreamed of sun light on green grass, moonlight through the window of my room, her form outlined in its gentle light. i cry in my sleep, i cry for what is gone and wha i shall never have. i beg for mercy from a cold cruel world, one that mirrors my soul and my heart. i am damned for things i was not given a choice on, i am cursed for others transgressions, not mine own. every day is a variation on these main themes, i suffer, new ways found old ones rediscovered, daily.

untitle works, dec ’06

legion66 — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 16:08:52 +0000

siting in the pre-dawn cold, yet again pounding nails into my coffin. unfiltered bliss washing over my organs. shivering slightly in the chill air. i dream of an ideal, i dream of a tomorrow i will sell my soul to get. change i must, or at the very least i must improve. i have made strides so enormous it is unreal, yet i feel i need to do more, to catch my dream and hold it close. the year draws to its close and i am left with a slightly hollow feeling. i have some friends and i have a little love, but what i seek is far more important and powerful than what i have now, it is an ideal i have been chasing for over a decade. i think i may be up to the task of obtaining it, but will i, i know not. i hope, i pray to the gods of fools and hopeless romantics, they are moving, i can feel them. will it work, only time will tell, laughter is frequent, a small bit of joy maybe i have sewn, as well as possibly the seeds of some thing more, yet again only time will tell. so i am blue in the cold dawn light, still pounding, still dreaming, still looking for that great golden dawn that is yet to come, the one when eyes meet mine and i see the truth, and so do they….till then i i work on me, and my books, and pray, truly pray….toodles

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legion66 — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 16:05:56 +0000

who are we but fallen angels

wings long fallen to the ground

bloody stumps left to show our torture

scars healing slowly

to one day be human

to one day be whole

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legion66 — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 16:04:26 +0000

brick by brick

i build my wall

to hide my eyes

to hide my heart

row by row

i plant my hedge row

to hide my pain

to hide my soul

the world does not want to see

they only want a perfect boy

they only want a mailable toy

the real me will remain hid

behind the walls

of this fortress of solitude

they helped build